Monday, August 21, 2006

A Million Dollar Idea!

This is my idea! It's worth millions, and I know you folks want to steal it, and that's why I am entrusting it to this highly public form, so it will have a date attached to it, and I can prove that it's mine. It's also why I always write under my legal name.

My sister, An, and my little brother, A, are always carousing, getting covered in ejaculations, and having to turn away unwanted prepositions while they seek out that one desired conjunction. It's a phrase they're going through, while I'm now of such a period as to have ceased to modify my subject.

Business runs on the wheels of inefficiency, and liquor does more than Newton can to explain the retrograde progress of our enterprises. It used to be that Amurica was a great nation. Amurican business set the pace for the world, and all the world sat enrapt at Amurican feet to learn its secrets of efficiency, labor insensitivity, and leverage, but the real lessons they could have learned was contained in an obscure part of the tax code. It has been disallowed, and Amurican business has been in decline ever since. Business needed the buoyancy, the bon vivancy, of lunchtime bacchanalia. Our captains of industry struggled up through the ranks in hopes of getting looped at lunch, talking golf, and taking advantage of each other.

No more, alas. Those prudes at the IRS disallowed the three martini lunch deduction, and no one could explain to the stock holders that the lunch expense should be a loss to the company.

That's why I came up with the following cast iron golden idea: ethanol caplets.

Let that sink in for a while.

Imagine: you get some ethanol, put it in a gelatin capsule, and then sell it to those over 21. A beer is about 6% alcohol, if you're lucky and a snob. It's 5% alcohol otherwise. So, of 12 oz., 0.5 oz. is actually alcohol. (For those of you doing metric, that's about, uh, 15 ml.) You can put 15 ml in a pill! So, for a martini, you have to take maybe 3 pills. For a 3 martini lunch, just gulp down 9 pills, and you can prosper in business with nothing smelling on your breath. Furthermore, it should be much less expensive to get the effect this way. The glycol capsule could contain some nice sugars on the inside, helping the alcohol bind, and you can even include B1, B2, and E vitamins to prevent hangovers! You could even take a NoDoz with your Beer Pill to get the edginess of caffeine and the sloppiness of booze. You'll be able to make terrible judgments at twice the normal rate!

It's worth a fortune, I tell you.

Soon, only people who actually enjoy the flavor of alcoholic beverages will go to bars, and how many people could that be?


M. T. Suit said...

I find your ideas intriguing, and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Clyde Penquin said...

Into my eyes shall you have been looking, d0de of great d0deness! Is it one trace of fear you shall have been seeing? Opsy hopsy!

Chuck U. Farley said...

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The Geogre said...

Dear Chuck,
You're hired. We'll find the contracts and the royalty ...stuff ... just as soon as.... Oh, Monday, give us a call. In the afternoon. Make that in the late afternoon.

Anonymous said...

Alcohol breath does not originate in the ethanol passing through the mouth and down the gullet. Alcohol breath originates in the lungs as the ethanol circulates through the bloodstream and is eventually metabolized.

In other words, don't try marketing your Everclear capsules as "sniff-safe."

The Geogre said...

Well, the smell of alcohol alone would be on the breath, but not the smell of beer, or gin, or bourbon, which is what most people smell when they smell a drunk. I'm not saying it would be a breat-a-lyzer, only that it would beat a secretary.

You need to have a couple of caps and see what you think again.

The Geogre said...

^that's "beat a breath-a-lyzer." (Must have gotten a bum batch of beer pills.)