If...

If I had a hammer, I'd hit my thumb with it every day. That would be justice, the danger.

If I had a bell, I'd take out the clapper. Bells are more interesting when they cannot ring, when their gentle parabola clangs the louder without a peal.
If I had a song, I'd sample it and make it a pre-programmed setting for the latest Studio Magic (TM) console. That way, I could be sure to infect every hit single without once having to perform for anyone.

If I had a hammer, I'd break the cell phones, just to see who lives inside them.

If I had a sword, I'd fall on it.